Tags
adultery, boss, butterflies, closure, confused, diary, fraternization, journal, love, past, smashing pumpkins, writing
I live in the midst of this ambiguous response every single day, and I guess I don’t have much left to say to him. “But,” I start to say to him, not really knowing where I was heading. “Yeah, you’re right.” I smile, and he kisses me.
I sip on a beer trying to calm the pit in my stomach, but it isn’t helping. Smashing Pumpkins Pandora station is always playing in the background, and I get lost in Bullet with Butterfly Wings. I think it’s the theme song for my vaginal hubris. Now I’m naked, nothing but an animal, but can you fake it for just one more show?
I make my way back to the couch, and I can feel butterflies in my own stomach rising again as I walk over to Adam. Just the way his smile gleams, even when his teeth aren’t shining through, it gets me every time. I lean in to kiss Adam, and I realize these butterflies have always been here since the beginning. “Fuck,” I think to myself, but I can’t help how good it feels to be in his arms, and I want my lips on his forever.
Pulling away, I look at him, and I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. Tell me I’m the only one; tell me there’s no other one. Time stops and moves in fast forward all at the same time. Pushing back the tears that should tell me to go home and get out of whatever the fuck this is, I push myself into him and let everything else escape.
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Waking up in this random bed, in a room decorated by a woman that isn’t here, I still feel so calm. Maybe I’m just cum drunk.
Maybe I’m actually still drunk.
Side by side, staring at the home screen of Thank You for Smoking, I keep reaching out for his hand that’s barely creeping out from under the nape of my neck. I play with his fingers like he’ll somehow get the hint that I want to feel his fingers playing with mine right back, but that’s unlikely. I know he’s too emotionally distant to ever hold my hand – the symbol of love, by way of interlocked fingers – so my fingers go straight for his wedding ring like some sort of magnetic force, and I can’t help but play with it.
I let out a soft sigh as I remember what the ring is for.
I try and find the remote to play the movie over again, to get distracted by Aaron Eckhart’s poor acting before my mind starts racing again.
“I have to get up and get ready,” Adam reminds me, stopping me mid-search. He’s so good at bringing me back to this reality that I so often forget exists. I’m his opening server, so I need to get up and get ready too, but I’m not ready to let him go.
The second I walk out that door, he becomes my boss again, and these butterflies in my stomach start going crazy. They start feinting to flutter again the way they do when my lips touch his, when my skin touches his…
Rolling softly into his chest, I kiss him gently, passionately, all over his body. I know if I get him to fuck me again, I get to hold him for just a little bit longer.