I stand with a knife in my hand as tears stream down my face, but it’s only to cut your body down from the ceiling. Scared, I place my head into my hands and let my tears flow, wet mascara suddenly staining the ends of my sleeves. I close my eyes as tight as I can, and try to choke back the tears from flowing any harder. My heart beats heavy in my chest, feeling too full to reside where it does. Your face matching mine, puddles of tears gather along the dingy carpet of our run-down apartment, but I know yours don’t fall for the same reason as mine.
I can feel the hands of the afterlife lingering, still reaching out – trying to grasp your flesh. With my eyes refusing to let their gaze move away from you as you sit on the living room floor, I feel the presence of death dissipate, and suddenly this moment feels so distant. I finger the strands of the rope that I continue to hold, ignoring the loop on the end – forgetting it is a noose that I keep my grasp tight around.
My tears have desisted, as have yours, and I lean down to kiss you, needing to feel the warmth flow back into my mouth from yours. Lacking the cold touch that death would have placed upon your lips, normalcy begins to flood back into the room, but quickly jolts to a stop as I realize the fear still pumping through my veins. Inadequacy, confusion, and sorrow all begin to overcome me, but as the love you so often show in your eyes begins to surface, I know there are no answers to find.
Sitting across from you now, I grasp your hands within mine, never wanting to let them go, fearful that they will leave mine forever if I do. A montage of suicide attempts makes its way into my mind, and every part of me quivers, unsure if this moment is the last scene of the composite. I begin to feel fearful once again. Squeezing your hands tighter, I lean in to kiss you once more, taking advantage of my remaining chances to do such.
Feeling your hands tighten their grip around mine, and your lips pucker against mine as I kiss you, I realize that everything that we share was nearly stolen from us. The look in your eyes remaining so content and so full of adoration, I lose all worry – even if just for a moment – and I allow my mind to free itself, and my heart to beat in unison with yours.